I've really been struggling lately, trying to figure life out. Shouldn't that have happened already? I know being a stay at home mom is the role Jesus has for me right now, but I NEVER feel good at it. Or adequate. I feel like I am always working from a place of weakness, and right now, from a place of defeat. The first part I think is accurate and potentially Godly. The second part I know is satan trying to get to me and keep me wallowing in self-pity instead of running straight into God's arms. Self-pity is comfortable, familiar. I don't always want to get out of it. It's cozy. But, obviously, it's not healthy for me or my family, and a life of defeat is not what God has for me. I know that in my brain, but getting myself to act on that can be a completely different thing.
When I say working from a place of weakness can be Godly, here's what I mean: Some people are called to and do what they are really good at. They work in their strengths, they succeed, they use their talents and spiritual gifts. When I was a nurse, I felt like I was working in my strength. I was a good nurse. I enjoyed it, patients and co-workers often commended me for how I interacted with them, and how efficient I was. This is not to toot my own horn, but to say I know that I was working in my God-given strength. But, I know, 100%, that God has called me to stay home with my kids. Whether or not I will go back to being a nurse, I have no idea. That's so not part of my frame of reference right now. But, I don't feel like I am using my spiritual gifts or that I can even recognize them. And I now undestand that this is exactly how God wants me. If I work in this place of weakness and fraility, I HAVE to rely on Him for everything. I can't do it on my own. I constantly have to check in with Him to see if I'm doing life right. I do pray that my gifts will show up one day and begin to be used and stretched, so I might use them for God's glory. God is refining me right now through my struggles. I don't feel like I'm making it very far. Some days I feel weak but there is forward movement, other days I am stuck in defeat and drudgery. A lot of that could/would change if I allowed myself the joy of seeing the world through my kids' eyes, and if I stopped more frequently throughout the day to check in with God and myself to see if I'm getting overwhelmed and handing it over to God to handle. I get caught in the little, meaningless things that take my attention away from my kids and the tasks at hand. Sometimes just to escape and sometimes because I'm lazy and sinful. I want to be a fun mom, and I want to have a clean-ish house, but life just seems so heavy right now. spiritual warfare, maybe? There's nothing that terrible going on that I should be feeling this way. Except sleep deprivation because I can't seem to get myself to bed at a decent time. Again, all my fault.
Sorry for the stream of consciousness post. I've been wanting to write something like this, and it's late now, and my brain isn't working well. But, since no one reads this, it doesn't matter anyway.