Thursday, May 14, 2009

I think there's something seriously wrong with me

I'm having a rough day today. I'm not sure why. I often do, it seems. How do people have more than one kid? How do they not go crazy all the time? What is wrong with me that I never feel in control of the one tiny one I have?
Yesterday we got to a new stage: Chloe has decided that she doesn't want to eat when the spoon is in her hand. She either throws it drops it on the floor. We had been giving her to spoon to feed herself, and she had been doing great. Until yesterday. It's so frustrating. Seriously, how do people do this? I really don't feel like I was cut out for this. Aren't moms supposed to be patient and loving? One of the largest parts of my personality is the ability to get frustrated at the drop of a hat. (Stupid hat! Stay up already!) I hate that about myself, have been working on it for 28+ years now, and it is still exactly the same, pretty sure.
Isaac has suggested putting her in daycare. I'm a stay-at-home-mom. That would be like going to work, and then paying someone else to actually do the work that you are being paid to do. (but without the pay, and all the getting up at night, and the LOOOONNNNG days that never end.) I suck at my job, and today, I really don't like it. I feel like this makes me a horrible person. Really, I think there's something wrong with me.
We do have fun. Chloe is very silly, and loves to clap, and cuddle, and pester the cat. She's thisclose to crawling. She just cut her 5th tooth. And can I just say how much I want to eat her cheeks? but, this is hard. WAY harder than anything I've ever done, or ever expected it to be. It doesn't help that she's currently screaming.
I'm so whiny. But really, is there something wrong with my brain? I think there might be.

ps. Isaac stole my lunch today. That doesn't make things any better. I was really looking forward to eating it! And he had a lunch meeting! So, he took it, and isn't going to eat it. I'm ready to go back to bed.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


So, since Chloe was born, (shoot, even before she was created), I have been "trying" to lose weight. Now, I understand that in order to lose the weight, effort must be put forth. I am not good at this. Why doesn't it just come off? I really want to weigh less than I did when I first got pregnant, for the time that I get pregnant next. And I don't want to gain as much this time around, whenever that may be. So, I stepped on the scale yesterday morning, and what did I learn? I am actually GAINING weight. BAH! What is wrong with me? So, I have decided- I am going to do something about this. I feel gross, I feel like I look gross, nothing fits except for pants, 2 pairs of work-out shorts, one skirt, and things that belong to the husband. Not ok. Isaac is very supportive of whatever I want to do, and he says I look beautiful nomatterwhat. But, I need to feel like I look beautiful, too, and right now I don't.
My goal is 1- 1 1/2 pounds a week, (this is what is safe while breastfeeding), so that means that I should be down to where I want to be by the end of the year. I'm ok with that. I would prefer it to magically fall off now, but I will do my part. I hope.
I think I need to list things to do so that I will be held accountable.
1. while sitting and watching TV or a movie, I will do some sort of exercise for at least 10 minutes. (eg. crunches, squats, pushups, etc.)
2. I will do 30+ minutes of cardio (walking, exercise dvds, etc.) most days of the week. (at least 4.)
3. I will decrease my soda/juice intake to 2-3 servings a week, and drink diet when available. (this shouldn't be that hard as I just came off a soda/juice fast for lent this year.)
4. I will stop eating dessert with every stinking meal. What? Cookies are good in the morning.
5. I will eat more slowly so I can find out sooner if I am full, and enjoy what I am eating.
6. I will drink a glass of water when I feel like snacking, to see if this takes the edge off.
7. If not, I will wait 15 mintues before eating a snack, to see if this takes the edge off.
8. I will start to look at serving sizes again, and try and stick to that.
9. I will not count calories; this drives me crazy and gets my defenses up. (why can't I have more than that? Why can't I eat 17 cookies in one day? My mind is crazy.)
10. If I really need something that is junky, I will have a small portion, and not feel guilty for eating it. ( I have a very guilty conscience, so this is something I need to work on.)

Most importantly, I need to start my day in the Word, and with Jesus. I have a really hard time being motivated in any area of my life, so this will help, I think. I need to be disciplined and really stick to something. We'll see how it goes. (We? I must be royalty!) anyone out there need an accountability partner in this? I sure do!

Monday, March 23, 2009

7 months

So, Chloe is officially 7 months old today. 7 months! That's crazy and ridiculous to me. Where did the time go? She is over half way through her first year of life. And this morning, (at 2 am and at 7am) she decided I was the best teething ring ever. What the heck? She has bit me before, but nothing like the gnawing that was going on today. I'm hoping (really?) that she's just cutting another tooth, and that this stops soon. I used all the tricks that all the moms and experts suggested on websites, but Chloe is her own person. "I won't have any of that, thank you", she says. I plopped her on the floor after one particularly hard bite, and she just looked at me and smiled. Where were the tears of remorse she was supposed to show? Gah!
But, she had peaches today, and except for the green beans that she thinks come from the depths of hell, she looooves to eat. I'm trying to figure out when to introduce new textures so that she doesn't gag and die. She loves sitting up, and she has discovered banging toys together. She is very proud of this accomplishment. She has no desire whatsoever to crawl. I may be carrying her for the next 18 years, at this rate. She brings so much joy and laughter to our home, and I just stare at her in wonderment a lot of times. How in the world did this completely unique being come from me? It's mind blowing. It also gives me a greater glimpse of how God sacrificed HIS ONLY SON. no way would I ever be able to do that. Thank goodness I don't have to. Thank God He did.
Anyway, Happy 7 months, Chloe!

Thursday, March 19, 2009


After reading John 16-18 this morning, this was my response:
How unoriginal are our ideas! This postmodern thought of personal truth seemed to be a new one, yet in John 18:38, Pilate asks that very question, "What is truth?" We are woefully the same sinners throughout time. Satan makes us think we are original, that these concepts are ours, for our time alone, that these are new thoughts and problems, that we are so far advanced that only we could come up with such a grand idea as subjective truth. Maybe they are, within the constructs of our current society, but the thoughts were there among the ancients as well.
What is truth? To be truth, by definition, can it be changeable? My thought is no. Truth, in order to be Truth, must be unmoving, unwavering, and continuous. There is no fluid truth. There is no "my truth" and "your truth". There is "my experience" and "your experience", but it doesn't mean the same as truth. Truth is from God- it is His way of showing who He is, unmoving, unwavering, and continuous. He always was, is and will be. How comforting to know God doesn't vacillate! The The things He says and does can be stood upon. They stand the test of time. The more we understand the world, the closer to Truth we should come. It opens our eyes to new facets of God. It doesn't change anything but our own understanding. Unfortunately, people often take new information as the whole, versus a piece, and make it their new truth. Truth in the 1400s: the world is flat; truth now: the world is round. Truth in the 1800s: diseases are created by the air and grow out of nothing. Truth now: viruses and bacteria are microscopic, and can grow in the presence of air and food and cause disease, but they don't grow from nothing. Are these new truths? No, just a greater understanding of the world.
So, why don't we see God that way? Why, when it comes to ourselves, do we believe truth to be fluid? I think it comes down to- that's what we want to believe. If there is no Truth then I can justify living however I want to. There is no moral obligation for which to live my live by, there is no standard to test my actions against. I can do as I please. Ultimately, isn't that our greatest struggle? To live MY life? "No one can tell me what to do!" I fight against this daily. Always have. I hate being told what to do! But, maybe, if I remember the Truth of God, I would be more content and at peace with my life. If I remember He has a plan and a purpose that started before time, I wouldn't fight with the world's new ideas and thoughts. I would hold fast to He who doesn't change. I would remember Jesus's love for the world and seek to bring it to them. And that's the truth.